4b. What Makes Me, Me.

She is a stubborn person. She hates to ask for help. She does not like to socialize. She is not a big drinker. She would rather stay home and watch opk’s (Other People’s Kids) than go out to the bar or even to the movies. She can be selfless or selfish depending on the situation.

She grew up with a mother who would do anything for anyone and a father who “Looked out for number one, and I am number one”. These are two very different parenting styles. Neither one was a great way to raise children. The father put his own comforts and wants above anyone else’s. The mother would sacrifice herself over and over again to do things for others.

The girl grew up doing things for others, but not with others. She did not see herself as number one. Ever. She was always secondary. What a woeful way to grow up, a secondary character in your own life. She turned to books and imaginary worlds as a way to cope with the internal struggles of adolescence. Struggles that affect her today.

She finally got her own apartment, but not until she felt her nieces were either okay or had the support that they needed. She finally rebelled. At twenty-five years old, she took a hold on her own life. She does not make rash decisions, she always plans them out. Even if they seem impulsive, she has put more research and thought into it than most do after weeks.

She likes to be alone. Always has. She is the type who can gladly go without seeing anyone for days and be perfectly fine with it. As a matter of fact, she can get testy when others invade her solitude.

She is learning to speak her mind. It is not that she does not care about the people she is seemingly insulting. She cares immensely and does not want to see them get hurt because she did not tell them they were acting in a way that might hurt them. She tells her mother when she is worrying and stressing so much that it will cause physical dangers. She tells her mother that she really hopes that the stressing and worrying will cause a heart attack if she is not careful and that a counselor would be paid to listen to her grievances and then she would be able to air them without bringing down those around her. She tells her eldest niece when she is acting like a brat, she does the same with her siblings. It is a freeing revelation to her that she is capable of doing so in a manner that will not completely alienate her.

She is learning to take care of herself. She is trying to get better about saying the ever so difficult word, No. She is going to be okay eventually.

Yes, she is me and I will be okay.