Chapter 6, The One Moment I Regret the Most...

This is a difficult thing for me to write, or even think about. You can’t go back and change things that already happened, so why worry about them? But, since that is the assignment, here goes.

“We would like to offer you the workstudy position of videographer for the NSU football team.”

“Wow, thank you, can I have a bit to think about it?” Can I have a bit to think about it? Why would I ask that? Why would I want to think about it? Take the job! Take the job! TAKE THE JOB! But, that is not who I am. I am sitting in my bedroom of my mom’s apartment, safe and secure in the normal, the same things that I have had in my room for the two years since we moved to town. Not worrying about the unknowns of the dorms or a new town, because I am in the same room as I was in high school, with my over-sized computer desk and my over-sized book collection.

What will it be like if I take the job? Do the football players really want to be saddled with dealing with ME as their videographer? Will I be able to deal with being around so many people that I don’t know? Will I get picked on? I am not the most athletic person, everyone can see that? Oh my goodness, I can’t do this, I can’t put myself out there this much. No, I am too shy. Wait, Jessica, you need to start putting yourself out there more. You are not in high school anymore. You need to deal with these insecurities. I know, but I can’t do it. You know what I went through. What did you go through? No one treated you poorly, no one made fun of you. You did not put yourself out there. You did not work to be included. What do you know? And what about Uncle Arnie’s wedding? I can’t miss that to video some practice. This is about family. If you are going to play the family card, I can’t reason with you. Fine, turn down the opportunity to change yourself.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had taken that workstudy position. How would my life have been different? What would it have changed? Where would I be now if I had taken that leap? Would I be in the same place? Somewhere better? Somewhere worse? I will never know, because you cannot change the past.

Reactions to First set of readings

 “The Drama Bug” Moore 229-35

I started this story really not liking the mother. She did not encourage her child to pursue his dreams. She feels that he is abnormal for wanting to be in a play. At the end, I really liked her. She attended his play and told him how great he was in it. Even though she disapproved, she showed support for what was important to him. The story tells us about the loss of hero worship one boy experienced toward an actor. I think everyone is guilty of jumping to conclusions about someone based on first impressions and superficial reasons, then when you look beneath the surface you either like them more or less, depending on what you find.

“Mirrorings” Moore 157-66

This story struck a chord with me. I can understand the author’s struggle to accept herself the way that she is. She kept telling herself that life would be better with the next surgery or the next treatment. I have experienced something similar. While my physical deformity is more self-imposed than anything else, I kept telling myself if I lost the weight I would be happier, healthier and life would magically get better. The problem with this mindset is that if you do not fix the underlying issues, nothing will change, even if your looks do. I have had to take quite a journey to figure out how to be okay with who I am and what I want. Now, I am finally ready to work on the outside, because the inside is on the way to being healed.

“My Children Explain” IB 133-5

This story is a great example of how something you did as a child resonates with who you are now.

 “Out There” Moore 127-31

This story begins very conversational, very calm. There is a shift after the convenience store though. You can begin to feel the author’s terror and insecurity. Through her writing you can feel how scared and panicked she is. It is almost as though you are there with her, you can hear the threats and slurs from the next car as you frantically are trying to find a way to escape. It is a very powerful and moving piece, especially because we did not get the expected ending. The other driver gets off at an exit. They are not caught or arrested, we never even find out if he is the criminal that she talked about at the beginning. Sometimes the unknown is the scariest part of a story.

“Brothers” Moore 205-10

This is the story of two brothers and the difference between what is remembered and what is true. It begins with a description of a video, which was strange to me. Then it goes on to explain that even though the writer had seen the video, he could not remember the day that it was taken. He remembers his childhood and his relationship with his brother, but not this particular incident. Then there is a description of a picture taken years later of them with their arms around each other. He seems to be letting us know that even if a sibling does something mean to us as a child, we should not necessarily hold it against them for life.

“Interlude” IB 123-4

This story shows the different ways that people can view the same person or thing. The uncle is seen by adults as lazy and a dreamer. The children see him as someone who does what he wants to and doesn’t worry about all of the things adults seem to think are worrisome.

 “Courage of Turtles” Moore 184-8

This story uses the turtles as a metaphor for the times that someone is trying to do the right thing and help, but thigs don’t go the way it was expected and you can’t go back and undo your “help”. You have to move on and try to be okay with it.

“Silent Dancing” Moore 132-9

This story is one of the struggle between two different cultures within one person. Which culture does she choose to honor, or does she honor neither and do what she wants. I like this story because it exemplifies the pressures put on children by those around them and the confusion that it can cause for them.

“Wind from the North” IB 104-6

This is a sad story about someone’s uncle whom they never had a chance to know. The uncle let every opportunity to get to know his family go by. What a sad commentary on the state of the world that we do not even take the time to get to know our own family.

Chapter 5b What They Don't Tell You

What they don’t tell you about being a member of my family is that we are just like the characters on “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. Everyone is in each other’s business and lives. The whole family knows what you are doing within hours of telling one person. Your cousins’ kids are your nieces and nephews and you are expected to be a good role model for them. You are expected to help when something needs done, a house needs sided, a wedding planned, or a tree cleared. You are expected to ask for help when you need it. I moved from 2 houses to an apartment and it took all of 4 hours to load haul and unpack just about everything. However, I am an exception. I had everything packed and most of it on the main floor. I have helped paint more houses than I could possibly ever own, I have ripped up carpet and torn down walls. I am much better at destruction than construction, and everyone knows that. Once the kids started coming, I became the babysitter. I loved it, I got to play while they worked. Not that it is easy, running herd on half a dozen kids will drive you insane. No matter what you are doing, there is always someone to help you with it. While we don't roast lamb, the rest of this quote really applies, "My family is big and loud but they're my family. We fight and we laugh and yes, we roast lamb on a spit in the front yard. And where ever I go, what ever I do they will always be there."

Reactions to 2nd set of essays

Mike and Erin

“Biography of a Dress”

I found it interesting that my reaction to the story and Erin’s reaction to the story were so different. I had a really hard time getting into this story. It took me forever to read and at the end I was left wondering why I had read it.  Just not one of my favorites.  

“Worlds Collide”

The author tells us what he loves about airports. We get to experience it through his eyes. I have not given a lot of thought to airports. I have been in a few but was always focused on getting where I was going and not on what was happening around me.

“Notes Toward Identifying a Body”

This was not at all what I expected when I heard the title. I was looking forward to a forensic account of identifying a dead body. The back and forth style is interesting, the piece fills like prose poetry.

Jessalyn and Jillian

“The Knife” 

The religious experience that the surgeon has in the operating room is different than the God complex that some surgeon have. He does not feel that he controls life and death, just that he aids it. He does not presume that he will make no mistakes, he is nervous about performing and wants to make sure that things go right.  

“Three Pokes” 

This thought path of a girl growing up is very relatable. The notion that the idea of something is better than the reality of it is very common.

“Cat-like” 

The use of the cats in different times of the writer’s life is a very interesting way to mark the passage of time. The fact that an animal is a running theme in someone’s life is not something that you think of normally.

Karla and Courtney

“Living like Weasels”

This story have simple, in the moment descriptions. The writer is taking inspiration from the animal. I personally have always been inspired by my first dog. She came to us from the pound on Christmas Day. She grew with us and protected us. On the Fourth of July she would have to be put on a chain or inside because she thought the fireworks would hurt us so she tried to put them out with her paws and her mouth. When our other dogs had puppies, she helped take care of them. She knew when one of us was feeling sad and would try to cheer us up. I have always wanted to be like her.

“Difficult Decisions”

This story of a day in the life of a veterinarian is eye opening. You get a glimpse into her thoughts and feelings while she is taking care of other people’s animals. You would not know that she paid for several procedures for others out of her own pocket if she did not let us know. You would just wonder why she did not have the compassion to help out just this one person and animal. You never know what someone else is thinking and going through.

“Children in the Woods”

This is a story about what disappears or changes as you age. Personally, my career goals have changed a lot from when I was a child. I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to help people. I enjoyed watching them succeed. That goal changed when I realized just how dreadful I was at all things science related. Then I wanted to own my own business or manage a large company. I wanted to be someone important, someone big. Now I am not sure what I want to do, but I know that it is not either of these things. 

Chapter 9 Why are Children Mean to Each Other?

Some children are modeling what they see at home. Do they have siblings who tease and pick on them? Are they bullied at home? Or, at school? And now they are taking it out on another child because they feel like they cannot do anything about their own situation?

Sometimes physical actions are a result of emotional turmoil. These reactions can manifest as being mean to other children, becoming bossy, or becoming withdrawn or needy. They may see a parent favoring a sibling and therefore take out their agitation on that sibling. Some children are treated poorly by an adult and have learned that this is an appropriate way to act. If a parent yells and screams at you, there is a good chance that you will yell and scream at someone else. This learned behavior can take a very long time to change especially if the behavior of the adult does not change.

A spoiled child may believe that he or she is entitled to something that another child has and will take it from the other child. This could be because they were never taught to share, or because the adults did not set boundaries. If an adult allows a child to play with anything they want and take things from the adult to play with, a child will believe that this is the way to act with other children. If you allow a child to take your phone and play with it, you cannot be surprised when they then take someone else’s toy to play with. If you allow a child to your hair, you cannot be surprised when they pull grandpa’s beard. There needs to be boundaries and rules set for children to become productive adults.

They need to learn that life is not always equal. Equal does not mean Fair. While it may be equal to give two children the same toy, it is not necessarily fair. If I give one niece a doll and another a toy truck, it is not equal. However it is fair because each got something that they will enjoy. The one with the truck might not like dolls and vice versa. This is something that takes a lot of time and patience to teach.

Chapter 5. A Holiday with Us

A holiday at grandma’s house always included soup, either vegetable or rival. Then there was either turkey or ham, with mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and pies. One thing you may not have heard of is Halva, which Uncle Leonard said was made of “horse milk and sawdust”. You either loved it or hated it there was no in between. I loved it, especially the marbled kind. Another thing you should know is that if you ever left a family gathering and were hungry, it was your own fault.

We love to cook. Everyone would have an assigned dish to make, but rarely did someone come in with just one dish. There was always some recipe that they just had to tryout. This was a good thing, not just because it meant we got to try new things, but also because there was rarely only the family there. The kids ate first, when you stopped being a kid was arbitrary, but generally it was before age 12. Then the men, then the women. It was not sexist, it was necessary.

Everyone was welcome at Grandma’s table, boyfriends, girlfriends, just friends, and relatives of all kinds. Even though she was my mother’s mother, I would bet that almost everyone of my father’s side of the family ate there at some point. One year my cousin, Carsa, brought her friend and his two cousins. They were made to feel welcome.

            The acceptance was not just of different people. When someone found out they had an allergy or medical condition, accommodations were made.  Smoking was limited to the deck after one of the kids was diagnosed with an allergy. When a food allergy was discovered, special pains were taken to either keep the allergen out, or to let the person know that it was in the dish and to stay away.

After dinner it was time for games. There is always at least one game of Pinochle going on, most of us learned to play by age 12. But there are dice games and matching games and marble games. There was also the stereotypical scene in the living room of the men sprawled out watching some kind of sporting event.

The day did not end with dinner. Most of us are there long enough to eat supper as well, warming up leftovers and taking requests from whoever says “Hey, can you grab me some too”. They holiday might not end until it is creeping close to midnight, when rides are offered to those who imbibed a bit too freely in holiday cheer.

Chapter 8, List of topics for literary journalism

1. Celiac
2. Diabetes
3. Pitbull Bans
4. New Library
5. Day in the life of ....
6. Struggles of a writer
7. Who are the elementary schools in Aberdeen named after and why?
8. Toys my grandparents played with
9. The life of an heirloom
10. The history of Amsden Lake